We are all looking to know ourselves betters.
Think about all the Buzzfeed quizzes out there.
I find this a lot in my practice as well. The age-old questions “Who am I?” and “How do I find myself again?”
Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project says in order to find your own identity, we can ask ourselves five questions. Let’s see…
WHO DO YOU ENVY & WHY?
When someone has something you want, that is very useful information about who you want to be.
WHAT DO YOU LIE ABOUT?
Anything we try to hide is a huge flag. The lie is a disconnect between your behavior and you values.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN?
Fun? Is responsibility fun?
Well, it can be…but that is another topic for another time. If you are not sure what you do for fun, ask yourself, what did you do for fun when you were 10?
ARE YOU AN ABSTAINER OR A MODERATOR?
Let’s define these. An abstainer is someone that quits things cold turkey to avoid temptation.
A moderator can have just a little (like the potato chip ad, no one can eat just one…well moderators can)
One of the main things that make people unhappy is trying to resist temptation, it helps to know whether you are an abstainer or a moderator. If you know yourself and your own nature and of course own it…you are prepared to handle temptation. Accept you – Act accordingly.
DO YOU HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF & YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
When you are attempting to change a habit, you are placing an expectation upon yourself.
There are two kinds of expectations:
OUTER: requests from the outside world
INNER: what you desire for yourself
Now, next, there are four categories of expectations…
An upholder responds well to both outer and inner expectations. They are rule followers who do what they are told. These people are motivated by fulfillment. They feel good when they meet an expectation. They hate being blamed or let people down. Upholders need to know the rules, what is expected of them. They are good self-starters. If they make any type of commitment they will see it through.
A questioner, questions all expectations, whether they are inner or outer. In order to change a behavior, they must be persuaded – so if their questions are answered to their expectations, then and only then can they be persuaded. It needs to make sense to them. They wake up and think what needs to get done today? They love the why, love research and information. If they accept the expectation, they are good at fulfilling it.
Yes, rebels resist all expectations. It does not matter if they are outer or inner.
- Do want to do what they want to do, and when they want to do it.
- Go out of their way to disobey just to prove a point.
- Think and behave outside the box, they are creative non-conformists.
Rebels can be manipulated by challenging them. If you use a little reverse psychology, suggest they cannot do something, then they will go out of their way to prove you wrong.
Obligers have no problem meeting an outer expectation, they have a hard time with inner expectations. They will go out of their way to please others, they do it all the expense of what is in their best interests. Your classic people pleaser…they sell themselves out for the approval of others. Obligers wake up thinking What do I have to do today? They are not good self-starters, they need accountability and are susceptible to burn out.
In the end, we can ONLY build a happy life on the foundation of our own true nature. To find out more about your own true nature sign up for your free session.